10 REASONS WHY COFFEE IS THE ONLY DRINK SERVED AT THE HEAVEN’S GATE WAITING LINE

About Coffee

Anthropologists have recently discovered the remains of, what is believed to be, the first original homoerectus (not on command), named: kawfeeklotchus robustus. Fossilized coffee beans have been discovered in the petrified colons (hey, you would be scared too, if some nutjobs with pith helmets were rummaging through your bowels) unscathed. These scientists have unanimously concluded that, whether these skeleton parts be pro magnum or semi-pro magnum – ( BGl; Before Gun License)-whether they lived in heavily vegetated environments; or, whether they huddled under the scorched dessert sun, reminiscing about the Ice Age and Iced Coffee, the coffee bean was pivotal to all aspects of their survival.

 

 

1.EVIDENCE POINTS TO THE COFFEE BEAN BEING USED IN SACRIFICIAL RITUAL PRACTICES

Whereas, only the virgin beans of the first crop were sacrificed upon a fire, there was much improvised dancing, wild gesticulations and blindfolded karaoke.  Generations upon generations passed this secret worship of the coffee bean, and other related bean stimuli…

2.GENETIC GNAMING

For example, let’s look at cocoa beans and the ancestral lineage of COCO CHANEL. Her genetic code originated from one of these caffeinated DNA tribes. But let us look at an even more recognizable world icon and their names…. A LEADER OF NATIONS: COFFEE AH NON. There was a typo. It really was COFFEE BAR NONE to show his superior and regal presence, named after the magnificent bean, which has never been surpassed in its uniqueness and power – one small entity possessing the capacity to inspire so many adjectives!!!!!

 

 

3. DO YOU MAINLINE YOUR JAVA, OR DRINK IT?                 

Although people swear they are coffee “addicts,” which has a very negative connotation, I have never witnessed any 12 step program established to help addicts kick the coffee habit, anonymous, or otherwise. However, one coffee franchise has attached the word “fix” to its name. This can mean that coffee can fix any emotional boo boo; or, it can have a derogatory meaning such as fix, or addiction. I give it the former; what do you say, fellow human beans?

4. THE KLATCH

Cafes devoted to selling their number one product, COFFEE, emphasize the social gathering, the “klatch,” The type of klatch is left up to you, the klatch mongers. It can pertain to friends sharing a whine and an iced mocha frappe; it could be a Cafe in Japan, unbelievably popular, where a Tokyo bank executive runs in to a café, for a few minutes of privacy. He places an order by saying: “SUPLISE ME” It is the coveted time of being alone, goofing off, that is so integral to the Japanese psyche. Japan is a place where time is an unrelenting taskmaster – even prohibiting family visits. In fact, an industry has materialized called “LENT A FAMRY” where an agency sends out actors to take on the roles of a family and visit the client’s parents for a day!!! The “pseudo-family” is well-informed with the person they are impersonating, they are laden with gifts and conversation topics to insure a great day, and they are then well- paid by the agency, for showering the grandparents with love and familial obligation, their OWN children could not give them. Things are changing now, but those few savored gulps of coffee and sake (Caki) fulfill so many needs, it cannot be thought of as decadent, or for insomniacs, decafedent.

Nevertheless, in all countries, even third world emerging nations, where the concept of “a snack” is a new and enigmatic concept, everyone loves and looks forward to indulging in a luxurious cup of coffee, made from a myriad of types and flavors of beans.

5. IT’S ALL IN THE (LINGUISTIC) LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.

The word “COFFEE”(pronounced in areas known as the Bus & Tunnel crowd, or What Exit Off the Turnpike as cawfee) appears in some words, but only revealed when pronounced. For example, ca COFF o née (Cacophony). This word might be used to describe a barrage of stimuli, as when your son’s first grade karate class puts on a musical Ninja light show. Blaring, distracting noises and sounds, parading as “dissonance is music,” envelop you, bringing on a grand mal seizure, or, until you hear the beginning notes of the Twilight Zone, preluding the onset of THE MEGA MIGRAINE.  Some have even elected for Voluntary Tourette Syndrome.

6 .DORIGA DO OR DORIGA DON’T

Another indigenous tribe, nowadays called the Aborigines, but thousands of years ago called “the Aboriginals” made the coffee bean the porthole to their dream-based culture, used as a tool to diagnose the onset of sudden illness and maladies (if the words were unknown, they hummed).  For mystical rites, the High Priest would apply a coat of white chalk-like powder to his face. It was called GOTH 1-a melanin challenged pigment that gave a frighteningly anemic appearance, not unlike THE CHER YEARS. The old shaman would pick up an Aboriginal wind instrument and drag it across the dusty terrain. He was to call upon the dream deities to protect them, while they crossed into the Earthly realm, without proper ID. All he had was his talisman – his coffee bean, secured around his neck. He drew a deep breath from his diaphragm; he had tried with his IUD, but his voice sounded tinny…

Suddenly, he was stricken, and he collapsed to the ground. He had not been able to blow the Dirigidoo and call upon the tribal ancestors from the dreamworld. He was clutching the place between his groin and thigh, writhing like a snake. A SHIT (Shaman in Training) suddenly appeared and pressed his hand on the Shaman’s wound. He directed him to COF. His friend emitted a weak, spit of phlegm. The Shaman in Training picked up a gourd full of coffee beans. He yelled, “COF, COF AGAIN, MAXWELL” (as his inner circle called him). The Shaman in training now bore down with all his might and pounded out a solo of Yma Sumac doing the Copa-the Nightclub Years. Suddenly, the stricken Shaman sat up and spoke: “You have cured me of a near fatal hiatus hernia; my hernia is obviously no longer on hiatus. You have cured me from the wisdom, healing and homeopathies of COF.

7. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Too long to be an amazing diet that removes unsightly facial warts; might be a guide to dating after age 70. Something more widely known and followed as: THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. You can breathe easy. There is nothing in the big 10, or its interpretations, that prohibit the use of coffee for internal or external use.

8. SOCIOECONOMIC CASTE SYSTEMS

The caste system exists, to some extent, in my country, Israel. Don’t get me wrong; people can marry anybody they choose…it goes more by identifying people by the clothes they wear. For instance, a Tel Aviv businessman, or professional (doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc) may choose to wear jeans, and most likely, his will be ironed, stain-free and worn in the near proximity of his waist. His more informal brother, the Israeli workman-the repairman, the guy who kneels and checks that all the wires are attached to where they are supposed to be..will wear a more loosely-defined version of the denim variety. His pair will fit like a sunburn, along the contour of his “Buddha belly…

Is this what separates a Corporate Israeli man and a typical Israeli workman, the latter wearing shirts unbuttoned in winter, in hopes of luring a big-breasted,  American, “green card goddess” to make Aliyah to Kew Gardens, Queens? So, what brings these two together? What devours the walls of difference, the walls of separation? Outside of their job environment, both might show up at a family funeral in crisply ironed jeans. As a matter of fact, the only person in a suit and tie is the dead guy, himself.  And he’s wearing it, because his grieving wife picked it out for him. So what brings these two disparaging types together???….It’s…THE COFFEE…the kind that’s served in industrial paper cups. It might already be served with a cigarette stub floating in it, just for gornisht, I mean, garnish.

9. COFFEE GRINDS AS A MEANS OF DIVINING YOUR FORTUNE

OK- we are NOT talking about that machine piss that passes for coffee in institutions like hospitals, laundromats, IRS audits, or having your hair blow- dried by an octane torch. The kind of coffee I am talking about, you chew….in a Kasbah…with your fortune read by a woman who goes a little heavy on the kohl around her eyes, and still has residue henna hands from last night’s all girls, fertility line dance…She is known in her circles to be very talented on seeing the future. Her eyes tilt back, until the whites of her eyes show; she makes gasping noises, not unlike a cat coughing up a hairball. Suddenly, she sits upright and grabs your hand, as if she suddenly remembers where she left the car keys. She whispers to me that “many people are jealous of me; and, not to trust someone very close to me – she is after my husband.” This is a revelation since I am a widow.  Jealous of me? To quote a line from a theatrical play, “Bronx Tales “if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all…” She shakes her head, she defies criticism. “I know you because I chew the coffee grinds..it gives me powers like an emotional x-ray…people have put many curses on you…you give me $20, you will see your life will change.” I told her that I only had a $100. bill. She shook her head, as if to say to me, “no worry lady…you have money card? I have ATM machine, next to where I pickle olives and cucumbers, in the mud room.” I flinched. That might present another problem, but I won’t go into that now.  I must report to you that I seem to have had a turnaround in my life. I just got married and still have no close girlfriends, and was not worried that any two-faced witch will try and steal Ed away. Nobody seems to be jealous of me, unless my neighbors secretly covet my miniature, plastic newt collection I hoard in a broken teacup? And right after I returned from the ATM, I did feel remarkably lighter, especially after I handed over that $20.!!!!!

10. COFFEE AS A DIET AID?

Just from personal experience, I find coffee a great energy boost for mid-morning and late afternoon. At 4pm, when you must stop and think which relatives are living, and which ones are once removed…by force…it is time to stop and make an iced coffee. It is a reward, in itself. Whatever is passing itself as blood flowing through your veins, IT gets a little extra boost; your patience level is elevated, as your 9 year old squeals: “Look at Sparky…he’s making Poo on your bed AGAIN!” Yes, I think, I would have to agree with Ray Charles, isn’t that a Kodak Moment.?.  But, instead of reaching for something that might garner a personal visit from DYFUS, I reach for a sip of soothing, sweet, vanilla coffee, and hum the opening line, “YES, I THINK TO MYSELF, WHAT A WONDERFUL WHIRLD.”